Me. Writer. I Don’t Exactly Have a Point I Want to Achieve

I have always wanted to be a writer.
To tell my story to the world.
This raw feeling to be understood
To be validated by others who are willing to read
And see the world through my brain 
Has been haunting me ever since I was young.

But I always chose to run away.
I didn’t want to write because I think I was unable to write.
The way I poured out my words did no justice
To what I actually feel or think.
I was not skillful enough to deliver my words.
They say perfectionism kills the potential
And I have seen it more than enough, yet learned nothing from it.

Yet here I am today.
I want to start to write.
It’s okay if your words are not aesthetic enough.
You don’t have to be fancy French.
I know you have insecurities about being born a country bumpkin.
I am crude, I am not refined enough-— I cannot be
The high-value girl that could attract everything to her palm.
I need to work for it.
I need to carve my way to even arrive at my destination point.
I was not born rich enough to just live a carefree life.
But given my lot, I am not satisfied with just consuming and living a meaningless life.

I feel lost.
Don’t exactly have a point that I want to achieve.
I am scared that greed will lead my life astray.
But become greedless enough and you can be a vacuum.
Delivered to the open front door of nihilism.

Finding the balance between being and becoming
To be satisfied or to be starved
To living by the moment
Or one day living the life.
I am but a 20-something girl, pulled by the world to be an adult
Driven by fear and anxiety
Just to feel enough.

Some people really enjoy being lost.
They say once you are lost
You are pushed to rediscover your path.
They claim that direction is more important than speed
And being lost is the best way to rediscover it.  

But what if you are not lost, just stuck?
You can’t escape.
The job you hate.
The messy room you currently live in.
The toxic relationship you won’t fix.
Which one is more miserable, the first one or the rest?

Or is it just the fault of your state of confusion where you can’t even decide your current state?
You feel like you are lost
But you also think you are stuck.
In this state of bewilderment, you might, really, just be a coward.
With a diary. 

(Photo courtesy of Ashlyn Ciara via Unsplash)