What is Fear?

What is Fear?

Whenever I plan to write, the white empty paper scares me.

This year, I turn 31. What did I achieve in these years and days of my life? How do I define myself?

My passport says that I am Egyptian, even if I spent more than half my life outside the country. Should I start telling my story from 1993? I was born in Khor Fakkan in Shariah, United Arab Emirates, the youngest of seven children. My parents named me Khadija.

I graduated from high school and returned to Egypt. I participated in a revolution which didn’t achieve its goals. I got married after a great and epic love story…or that’s what I thought, until I got divorced.

I gave birth to two amazing kids. I graduated from Sharjah University with a degree in English literature and translation.

I spent my twenties with my son Qassem. Life was beautiful until I gave birth to my daughter Layla and fell into a hole of postpartum depression. Alice in Wonderland was running after the rabbit, but I was running after myself.

What lessons have I learned from my life? What is the moral of my own story?

I can bake apple Bundt cake, lemon cake and chocolate banana bread. I cannot work under pressure. I used to hide my problems. I love life and in the same way loathe it. I love to prepare my meals with passion  and eat them slowly. I love to spend time with my friends.

I know the sound of typing pleases me. I love writing and literature. I believe that there is a special connection between me and literature and I discover that day after day.

I am fond of language. I lose and I win. I am ambitious. I dream of becoming a great translator. I dream of winning the best mom ever prize (if there is such a thing)!

Why do I hate the Egyptian revolution? The revolution fell from paradise to the earth like Adam’s apple. I wonder, did Adam hate the apple? Did he swear at her?

I was living such a simple life in Dubai in 2011, when the flame of revolution ignited in the Middle East. I was a high school student. The revolution seemed like the greener grass on the other side. I dreamed of being part of what was happening. But since that time, I have been enduring a series of personal and public defeats. Can life lead to better outcomes? Can the course of life change?

(Image courtesy of Melanie Wasser via Unsplash)

Once you have been broken and tasted fear, fear becomes a habit. Do you know who I am?

I am the girl who at the age of 19 almost got caught by the central security forces at a protest. As I felt them pull my arms and grab me, I screamed “I want my mom!” Since then fear knows my address and acts like that friend who, no matter how many times you avoid her, keeps ringing your doorbell…