- Country of Origin: Global Citizen
- Trigger Warning: Mentions of suicide
It is no understatement that the last few years have been difficult for various reasons. It’s almost too obvious to state that we, in the West, consume a lot of environmental, social, and political information that clogs up our web browsers and mental state.
Meanwhile, the external world provides further insights with its doom and gloom, and you wonder what this does to your internal world and, more importantly, the internal world of your dependents.
Impact on my son’s world
My son is almost twelve years old. He had rolled through lockdown like most kids his age; with an interest in what is happening in the world and not attending school online.
Days turned into weeks, which turned into months. We were let out briefly, then locked down again.
We didn’t force homework on the kids; we ate meals together and walked around the neighborhood, trying to follow the advice of mental health advocates by maintaining a calm atmosphere.
Eventually, we all returned to our pre-COVID routine: school, work, supermarket shopping, and socializing.
My son entered a new school, a major leap, as he was now a little fish in a big pond. Senior students were young men dressed in school uniforms towering over him. He was excited and wanted to go, especially since many of his friends from his primary school were joining him.
Things went okay; there was lots of new stuff to remember, which was overwhelming for any kid.
But, as the year passed, he stopped communicating, wanted to stay home more, and got irritated when asked to do his homework. Children undergo emotional cycles that coexist with physical changes, which we understand. It’s natural!
Let’s face it: We all have to deal with many life changes, so we are all in the same boat, right?
Then, arrived that moment, when my son uttered that one sentence, which changed my perspective forever!
“Mum, please don’t freak out, but sometimes I think I am pointless and don’t want to be here.”
To this day, I still recall that visceral experience whenever I drive down the street where he said this to me.
I was ready for a conversation about bullying, but not for one about suicide.
In line with my son’s request, I did my best not to freak out and decided that today was not a day for school, but for getting hot chocolate and heading to the park.
We talked and shared moments of silence before heading home.
Later, I had a breakdown in my bedroom, experiencing a complete red-eyed, sobbing meltdown.
You see, suddenly you understand that your child is grappling with their persistent suicidal thoughts.
You can effectively address bullying or support someone coming out, as our society is much better at dealing with these issues, and schools are well-placed to help. But, conversations around suicide are different and tricky. They are complex to hear and even more challenging to own.
Finally, navigating the cliff’s edge
One way to describe this experience as a parent is to imagine that you are in a field, whose one of the boundaries is a cliff. You spend most of your time in the middle of the field, with your life seemingly moving along with little fear or disruption. You can’t even see the cliff edge because there is a natural boundary of beautiful trees or native bush. This vegetation represents the details in your life that keep you intact: a comfortable living environment, the love of family and friends, food on the table, and the power on.
When something happens, such as a life-threatening health diagnosis, the death of a friend, or, in my case, your child experiencing extreme mental strife, you are catapulted from the relative safety and comfort of the middle of the field to the cliff edge. It triggers a raft of strong feelings, a desire to run away, but a relentless obsession with looking into the abyss.
You see your friends and family in the middle of the field carrying on with their lives, which now seems pointless or distracting. All you can do is live in a void between the edge of the cliff and the threat of falling to the bottom.
Consequently, your mind gets so tied up in problem-solving and self-doubt, and the need to wrap them up that it gets harder to sleep and talk to anyone about it. It feels like a personal failure.
Why can’t I make my child feel happy and safe?
What did I do to him?
Can I pinpoint the moment all this started?
Of course, I could not answer these questions sufficiently. All I could do was stop looking over the cliff’s edge and secure my footing to secure my child’s.
Taking the necessary steps
After meeting his facilitators from school, who were helpful and constructive, we consulted a counselor to assist him with his overwhelming feelings.
It’s been a long, difficult road, full of sleepless nights and moments of terror. For any parent, checking your child’s room for anything that may harm him is distressing..
Acknowledging that you can’t fix everything is something we parents instinctively know, yet knowing and fully internalizing that knowledge are two very different paths.
Mental health issues are a part of the human experience, regardless of age. I am incredibly proud of my son for having the strength and bravery to tell me how he felt, especially while being so young.
He is bright and quirky, with a great sense of humor, a talented artist, and a loyal, compassionate friend. He is also a troubled soul with a profound understanding of his darker side.
As his mother, I am in awe of him, but it feels bittersweet that he carries this self-knowledge.
I love him to the moon and back
Thank you to Emily Delnick, Apurva Makashir and Tanvi Sethi for their inspired edits on this piece.
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Global Citizen
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