(Audio recording by Tanvi Sethi)

I have killed a dozen butterflies…

Had their powder dust my fingers

As I grasped my hand tighter and tighter

Afraid to let them fly away

 

They were my conquests

Such delicate, almost ethereal things

I watched them fly,

Hoping someday I can too

 

I have killed a dozen butterflies…

Afraid to let their beauty fade away

I wasn’t content with just looking

I wanted assurance that they would stay

 

I have killed a dozen butterflies…

Even though I didn’t want to

That wasn’t my goal

But as I flit from one extreme to another

Their wings were losing their dust

My desire to protect them from the world 

Cut off their scales

Destroyed their wings

Made them die a slow death

 

I killed those butterflies…

I’m sorry

But I wanted to be in control

And this was the only way I knew how

Thank you to Apurva Makashir and Tanvi Sethi for their inspired edits on this piece and to everyone else on the Mental Health team.

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Jastine Beatrice Yap is a queer writer diagnosed with Bipolar Type II, Borderline Personality Disorder, and ADHD. She is an undergraduate student studying for her Bachelor’s Degree in Agriculture, majoring in Agricultural Extension. Her passion for writing is matched only by her love for theater and her dream of starting a non-profit that will use theater as a primary agricultural extension tool in the Philippines. She is the author of children’s books: ”Being Weird,” “I See The Princess” and”You Are Special.”