When I first started college, I always believed I would make something of myself. I would get a degree, see the world, and become a successful journalist. I had it all planned out, and after the toll my harrowing years of high school took on me, I felt adulthood had something better to offer mentally. I soon had reality hit me like a freight train. People always ask: “What would your younger self think of your current self?” It’s a question I can never answer easily. You might as well be asking me to find the circumference of the moon. Even then, I feel like I’d have an easier time…
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Who Are You? A Survivor
Who are you? What do you do? Those are the questions I am asked whenever I meet a new person. For decades, the answer was my name and “I’m a Counselor.” Then I waited for them to get uncomfortable, as people sometimes do around the topic of mental health. I’m also a writer who focuses on horror topics. These days I mostly try to figure out who I am and what I need to do so I can keep my depression at bay. I debate whether I should call it “My” depression because I really don’t want it, but “The” depression sounds odd because there isn’t only one depression.
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Cell
I handed over my watch and shoes, and we approached the turnstile where I was to enter. He supported my hand, moving it towards the small glass panel where a red beam would have scanned my thumb. Instinctively, I struggled and kicked. I was instantly cuffed by the four men who accompanied me there. The cold metal of the handcuffs cut into the skin of my wrists. I stopped struggling so that I wouldn’t hurt myself.
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Heartbreak Journal
I can’t even explain how much my heart ached from the pain I felt during those years. I was a teenager. I was naive. I was just too nice. Others mocked me. I should have known better. What did I do wrong? Nobody warned me he would break my heart. There were no signs of it. He played the part well and he had me playing his game. I never grieved so much in my life. The unbearable strain my heart felt was a load on my shoulder. Actually, a part of me was missing him. It made me wonder, “how could I fall for someone who gave his heart…
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Wear Yourself to a Shadow
It is always difficult for me to explain what depression is and how it makes me feel. I’ve seen and read people describing it as a big black dog, or drowning.
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How to be Alone: Mastering the Art of Self-Reliance
Throughout my life, I have always been scared of being alone. I would avoid lone bus journeys. I couldn’t sit still, constantly needing the company of others to occupy my anxious mind. I got addicted to socializing. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it became a problem when I was doing it to escape myself.
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How Toxic Relationships Happen, Queer Ones Too
Nobody wants a toxic relationship, but they just happen sometimes. Most people go through one at least once in their lives, and it has probably happened to you. Well, at least it has happened to me.
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A Letter To Myself
(Audio recording by Jordan Luz) Hi, it’s been a while. I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in a bit. It’s just been hard. I don’t know what to say to you, or even bring anything up with you. I think about you all the time, especially late at night. You’re on my mind, and I wanted to tell you… I hope you know none of what happened was either of our faults. The world, it’s just messed up. And we just got caught in the middle of it all. Please don’t hate yourself. Please don’t hate me. I’m sorry we went through everything we did. We didn’t deserve that.…
