Falling into Your Orbit

I’ve thought about

The way the wind would whip my hair

Away from my face just seconds before

I find my end there

On the rocks below

Before your very presence brought

A kind of happiness I wasn’t aware existed

The kind I thought was mythical, you know?

There were days nothing could pierce

The dark and heavy clouds

With agony fierce in my chest

And over my head

I’d wish I was dead. 

I’d wish I never existed.

But then you came, the proverbial ray

Of sunshine that could

Make my day bright in a way 

It had never been before

You didn’t cure my depression but

You made me care in a way I wasn’t even sure

I was capable of.

And with a reason to give a shit

A reason anyone could benefit from

My existence on this planet

In this galaxy

In the middle of nothing surrounded by more

And vaster nothing in it.

I will never forgive you.

It was easier before I knew

Before when my crises were existential

Not born out of the pull

Of your gravity, your sparkle

But born of a life so lacking in light

It felt as if I was born in darkness

And would remain hidden in fright

And rage at a world so destroyed

So bustling and annoyed

That I couldn’t find my breath

But then there was you

You with your face and voice and

It was then I knew you’d ruin me

I knew the score, waiting for the other shoe

To drop as I learned I would never be your choice

But still. Still, I pined and whirred around you

Suddenly manic, a micro planet

Stuck in the pull of your gravity’s force

I know you didn’t mean for it to be this way

It’s just how you are. It’s just what you do.

And so here I am a satellite, or perhaps space debris

I’m certainly not a rocket

I’m only me

Falling, falling, falling. 

Into your orbit.

Thank you to Apurva Makashir and Tanvi Sethi for their inspired edits on this piece and everyone else on the Mental Health team.

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