- Country of Origin: Global Citizen
I can’t even explain how much my heart ached from the pain I felt during those years. I was a teenager. I was naive. I was just too nice. Others mocked me. I should have known better. What did I do wrong? Nobody warned me he would break my heart. There were no signs of it. He played the part well and he had me playing his game. I never grieved so much in my life. The unbearable strain my heart felt was a load on my shoulder. Actually, a part of me was missing him. It made me wonder, “how could I fall for someone who gave his heart to me and another girl at the same time?”
I went along with his plan.
He asked me, “Should I break up with my girlfriend?”
I told him, “I don’t know.”
I didn’t run away when I should have. My friends warned me I was too nice. I should have listened to them. I just wanted to be in love.
I had been dreaming of the day when God would supply me with a man who loved me and him at the same time ever since I was a little girl. Was I being punished for my exaggerated dream about falling in love? Was God testing me to find someone who is compatible in the eyes of God? I never knew the answer.
He explained he could never cheat on me because my heart was already broken by him. In his words, “I would never do that. I love you only.”
How my chest would tighten even more, when the pain would only get worse in a matter of seconds. I wanted to let him know how much it hurt. I gave him everything and he just burned it all away. I didn’t care about her falling for a guy who didn’t care about me one bit in his life. He gave the world to someone else. I hope she knew she was in for a surprise.
I was crashing. I was spiraling, trying to grasp and take it all in. Maybe one day my heart will mend from the pain I felt.
From that point on, he would mope around the student college halls begging for me to take him back. I used my big girl voice, my lungs using more oxygen than ever before in my life, and shouted, “No” through the halls. I didn’t need him. I didn’t need to cry over him. He took a part of me away from myself. I wasn’t going to let that happen again.
I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I got lost in myself and my identity because of the soul of a human being who didn’t even deserve my heart in the first place. I learned I wasn’t good enough to be loved. I wasn’t good enough to be cared for. I wasn’t good enough to give my heart to a human being who would make me feel happy.
It changed me mentally. It changed me in ways that I’ll never forget. I didn’t have the motivation to keep pushing myself in school. I didn’t have the courage to even go to school because I knew he would be there. Seeing him in the halls made my stomach turn to the point I wanted to vomit every time I saw his face.
The heartbreaker. The cheater. The life wrecker.
All the names I would call him, but I didn’t have the strength to be myself anymore. He took advantage of me and I wasn’t gonna let him do that.
From that experience I haven’t had the strength to pursue dating since. My heart was going to be broken again, so why would I even bother to put myself out there? I felt disconnected from the world. I wanted to get back up and put myself out there.
It took me a while to grasp that I didn’t need another human being to lift me back up. From that point on, it made me realize I couldn’t be in my own little world anymore. I began to start writing after that. I have always wanted to become a writer since I was a little girl. I put my words down on paper expressing my desires and innermost thoughts because it was the only thing keeping me from breaking again.
Thank you to Julianna Wages for their inspired edit on this piece and everyone else on the Lifestyle & Relationships team.
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